A deviation

So this week, there is no post about a slightly obscure past her prime Jpop diva for me to ram down my Twitter and Instagram followers and actual friends throats. Don’t get me wrong, I had the artist picked, songs selected and even had a thematic element I was going to link back to throughout the piece. But when it came to writing I just...couldn’t. And to be completely honest as to why, it’s because my mental health hasn’t been great this week.

Since I was about 17 I have been on and off a medium dosage anti depressant medicine, to help alleviate me of a lifelong and genetic predisposition to anxiety and depression, low mood and lack of energy. Last Saturday I left it at a friends house in my overnight bag and wasn’t going to get it back until Tuesday. I did and I have been slowly feeling better since then, but those three days were interesting. The only way I can think to describe it as is like riding a cheetah in your mind whilst your physical presence rides a tortoise.

My mind came out of me in all the worst ways, a horrendous, neurotic, knawing feeling of anxiety that wasn’t made better by anything- obsessing over things external and internal to me and any steps taken to alleviate that stress just making it worse- as ultimately it’s all my brain just feeling that way.

On the flip side of that, my physical existence all but ground to a standstill- my productivity barely anything and even the most basic of tasks appeared to monotonous, pointless and energy consuming to bother with.

I’m very lucky as I am aware of my own brain, what it needs and doesn’t and how to take care of myself- I have access to the right equipment, people and things to feel better. I have groups of friends, family and colleagues around me who don’t judge me for my external, but the person I am instead. And i guess, that’s what I was thinking about when I wrote this- when I get in my own mind and doubt my self worth it more often that not relates to the external and the way I am perceived- but when I think of times I am truly, undeniably, blissfully happy, it’s because I’m surrounded by those who see and appreciate the internal instead.

I may never be able to fully shed myself of those negative thoughts and ideals, and I appreciate so many more people about there may have a much rougher ride than me, so in no way is this me martyring myself, feeling self pity or ascending myself to some level of deeper understanding at all.

It’s more just a simple explanation of why I didn’t write something this week, and also, when I was in most lowest place several years ago, living in a city all by myself where I knew no one and 3 hours away from all I knew and loved, I gained a huge amount of comfort from reading about others online. Seeing their stories unfold. And so maybe, someone might see this and feel less alone and a bit better. I’ll hopefully have something more upbeat next week, but hopefully reading this piece brings some a different kind of enjoyment.